Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_media' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/functions.php on line 209

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_layout' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/functions.php on line 212
class="post-template-default single single-post postid-419 single-format-standard scroll-menu">

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_media' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/feature-area.php on line 4

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_media' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/feature-area.php on line 24

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_layout' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/single.php on line 12

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_media' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/single.php on line 24

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_layout' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/single.php on line 34

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_media' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/single.php on line 39

Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_media' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/single.php on line 43

If there’s something that’s become increasingly more obvious to me as I’ve become older and more mature is that to deal with life’s challenges and be a better more whole person is that we have to heal ourselves and learn to love ourselves first, before we can be loved and be of true use to the world.

Not to say we can’t be loved and be useful to others without it – but I’ve come to a certain understanding slowly over the last few years.

I really don’t like myself.
I don’t think I deserve love. I don’t think I deserve happiness.

I do an awful lot to purposefully sabotage great things that are placed in front of me. Yes, purposefully. Why? That’s what therapy is for.

I am pretty sure it has something to do with deep-seated low self-esteem brought on by years of tormenting by bullies in grade school, sexual assault in my college years, and a challenging upbringing where I was not ever really held accountable for my actions.

When I begin to find myself comfortable or challenged I pick at the wound, like a scab. I do things unconsciously, railroading relationships and engaging in behaviors that cause my life to sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly careen off the tracks.

You would think by this point in my life I would have it in me to figure out how to stop it. Acknowledging and trying to do something about it is where I am right now, hoping that I can find a way to make the crazy train stop before it hits the next station, and heal enough that someday I’ll be able to really feel worthy.

When there's nothing left to give... you get this.

2 Comments

Mel P

January 28, 2019

Your honesty is beautiful. I hope you continue to fight for what is rightfully yours – to feel loved and worthy (even though you’re already both!!!) ❤️

Reply

Christina

January 29, 2019

It can be so hard to love yourself. But 100% of your friends can’t be wrong: you are worth loving! You can get there. Thank you for writing, I love hearing your heart.

Reply

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Warning: Illegal string offset 'single_layout' in /homepages/16/d770877566/htdocs/clickandbuilds/PlanetBlonde/wp-content/themes/rever/single.php on line 109