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Life

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when you let in love

For so long…

You’ve kept your heart guarded, you promised yourself that you were going to work on you. You were going to work on being stronger because that’s what your kids needed.

You have stayed away from letting other people “in”, even friends because at the end of the day you can really only count on yourself – and even then you often let yourself down.

You did most things alone for long enough that the ache is now dull enough to ignore.

You told yourself that it’s easier because exposing yourself to possible hurt and harm again isn’t worth it. Being loved, that is, is too dangerous.

You became used to sleeping alone; though you hate it. It’s something you’ve trained yourself to become numb to. Waking up alone, going to sleep alone. Waking up in the middle of the night and having to go back to sleep alone.

So when it crept in…

You were not expecting it.

You didn’t notice.

It wasn’t the first time these questions were whispered; do you want to keep being numb? Do you want to keep going without?

the answer this time though, surprisingly – No.

Love is not designed for the cynical.

Let it happen.

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Queso!

Queso is surprisingly easy to make from real cheese. This comfort food makes great nachos!

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Keto Cheesecake

Ingredients

For the crust

For the filling

  • 6 8 ounces pkg. full fat cream cheese, room temperature
  • 2 C Confectioners Swerve, or reduced-calorie sweetener of choice
  • 5 large Eggs room temperature
  • 8 oz. Sour Cream room temperature
  • 1 TBS Vanilla extract

Instructions

  • Pre-heat oven to 325F. Adjust the rack to the middle of the oven. Combine the crust dry ingredients in a medium bowl.  Mix in the butter.  Pour the crust mixture into a 9-inch x 3.5-inch springform pan and press halfway up the sides using your fingers. Refrigerate while you make the filling.
  • In a large mixing bowl, beat the room temperature cream cheese with a mixer until light and fluffy. If you use a stand mixer use the paddle attachment.
  • Add in the sweetener a little at a time (about 1/3).
  • Add in the room temperature eggs one at a time and beat until well incorporated.
  • Finally, add in the vanilla and room temperature sour cream and beat until just incorporated.
  • Pour the cheesecake mixture into the crust and even out the top.  Bake in the preheated oven. Check after 50 minutes. The top should no longer be glossy and the center should still be jiggly.
  • Turn off the oven and crack the door.  Let the cheesecake sit in the oven for 30 minutes.  Remove the cheesecake from the oven run a sharp paring knife between the cheesecake and the pan (this is to ensure the cake doesn’t stick.  Do not remove the springform). Let sit on the counter for 1 hour.
  • Cover loosely with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 8 hours.
  • Remove the springform pan sides, decorate the top, and serve.
just

“Just” … a thief of intent.

“Just” get a job.
“Just” try harder.
“Just” be positive, it will work out.
I’m “just” a streamer.

Just is a thief of value. You say “just” to pretend not to mean what you are saying, to soften the comment, to steal the intent of your words. Somewhere we developed a gray area between being humble and getting stepped on. We started adding “just” in front of our sentences. It’s almost like we feel the need to apologize so we throw in the word “just”.

Part of our human nature is that we’re sensitive to being devalued or undervalued. We don’t like feeling underappreciated. You don’t want to be the comeback kid. But we don’t seem to have any problem telling ourselves we’re unworthy of something. We shouldn’t do it to other people either.

If you’re a teacher, you’re not JUST a teacher.
If you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re not JUST a stay-at-home parent.

No matter what your words are, leave out “just”. You don’t need it. If you are going to tell someone to “Just” try harder. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by softening the blow in encouraging them to “Just” get a job. You are being a jackass. If you are telling yourself you are “just” anything but awesome, you are stealing your value, and you JUST need to stop it.

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Positivity Sucks

I read a great article today about positivity, and how it’s pervasive and aggressive smear campaign is garbage.

Honestly, I was all at once struck at how much relief I felt that I wasn’t alone in feeling that way. I’m generally a pretty nice person. I try and be kind, in all things. Which should not be confused with positivity. There’s a huge difference in being nice and being positive. There are huge differences in two. I can be kind to you, show you love and be a friend without always being positive.

Forced positivity is gross. Every time someone tells me to “just be positive!” I want to punch them in the mouth. It’s so unhelpful. How is stuffing my feelings and replacing it with just “positivity” going to help me in anyway-whatsoever?

Let me feel my rage. Let me feel my sads. Let me feel my grief.

Instead of covering it in fake positive vibes, ignoring your feelings – come and sit with me and acknowledge your feelings.

Where does your body feel hot? Hurting? Tune into what you want to say, but don’t. Just sit with your thoughts. That might make you uncomfortable. But you know what? It’s not fake. You aren’t pretending to be positive when you aren’t really feeling it.

Celebrate!

It’s my Birthday on Friday and I’ll be celebrating with a birthday stream on Twitch.tv starting at 7pm (MDT) with giveaways all night long. Come celebrate with me! Put it on your calendar now!

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Feeling the change coming

This time of year for me has always felt harder emotionally than others. Beyond the very real weight of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), there is a weird sort of awkward holding my breath sort of feeling. It’s an uncomfortableness that’s resulted in settling into something that is a palpable discomfort, but I can’t really do anything about it.

Winter time (at least in Colorado) is as manic as any other season, but for me, the grasp winter has is a tight stranglehold on what I know to be coming in the Spring. It’s only February, but I know it’s on the way. Every other week, Spring is teased out of the ground in sprouts from the grass, buds from tulips, or tree blossoms when we have spectacular days of sunshine and 60-degree weather, and then it’s quickly frozen and crushed again by the cold. The power and weight of the snow aggressively shoving its shoulder against the neck of Spring, forcing it back shrinking and folding into itself again until it feels that kiss of the sun again.

I feel like the Spring. Every day I’m waiting for the snow to melt off my shoulders. I hold my breath and close my eyes. I will hold still, knowing that soon the sunshine that I can feel on my face won’t be replaced by snow again so quickly.

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Lean into love

While we’re on the subject of feelings (I mean, when aren’t we?) I want to dive into my love for my wide variety of loving friends. They are scattered around the globe, and I feel like the ones I collect, seem to stay delicately tucked into pockets of my life and poke their heads out when I need them most. They are quite possibly the most treasured peices of my heart.

Never has there ever been a deeper love in this universe than the love I have for my children. Don’t get me wrong.

HOWEVER.

I am fortunate enough to have made friends with people with whom I have formed an incredible bond, on a bizarre plane of reality in various times of my life. When I really take a step back and marvel at the complexity of the blanket of support and love that these various people have given me over the years it nearly takes my breath away.

These people choose you. They choose to love you. They look past your bullshit excuses, they acknowledge and dismiss your mistakes, they choose to ignore your garbage attitude and your isolation tactics and continue to check on you and include you in conversations and send you random postcards in the mail and text messages at 4 am even though you may not see each other as often as you’d like. You may plan to go out, and have to reschedule a dozen times… because life, but they don’t give up. It may be years between calls or visits, but it’s special.

For that, for every second that’s dedicated to me, I am eternally grateful. I cannot express how edifying it is to feel like garbage and to STILL have people gather around you to say, “You are awesome and you are loved.”

If you are reading this, you are likely one of those people. So, thank you.